How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
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I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Feels like there should be a middle ground
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.