How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
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serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD