—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Was it something I said?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Body by sandwich.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.