“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
man: wait
time: no
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this