How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
You Might Also Like
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Lmfaoooooo