“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
This forever.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed