Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

‘To do’ list:

1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.

Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.