How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Always…
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Stop it! 😂
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*