“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
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I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
How your email finds me
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this