@nigelgodwin

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

You Might Also Like

@TitansHomer

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

@humanaaron

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

@paigeofmylife2

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

@Shen_the_Bird

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

@ShesARealGenius

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

@JediGigi

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

@XplodingUnicorn

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.