How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
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too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
January has been Januweary
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on