How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
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Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
sensitive skin
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
#DesignFail
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia