@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

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@Thuggedraccoon

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

@hansdickie

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

@noog

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

@Schindizzle

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

@lazerdoov

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

@imence2

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

@Smooheed

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

@burgerkrang

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door