How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
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[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE