How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

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Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings


What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day


The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.


When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.


Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.


The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.


Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.


Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”


freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door