@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

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@UNDEADTRESOR

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

@noog

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

@Lola_Areola

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

@_itspat_

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

@KevinFarzad

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

@CandyEmpires

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

@Carbosly

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.