How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
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My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Simple
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.