“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
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With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
In case you needed to hear it:
I found your tweet-up…
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob