How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Have kids, they said
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Its true…
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Miscakes
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel