How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
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Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago