How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
smartest karate player in the world
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Morning my dudes.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.