How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.