How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
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After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me: