How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
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New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6: