@Tommytoughstuff

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

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@KeetPotato

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

@myqkaplan

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

@sharpular

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

@notfaizzy

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

@BruceForce

I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.

@monigrms

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

@68Cly29

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds