how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Come back with a warrant
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
This could’ve been an email.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what