How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
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Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Dance like you’re not the father
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
A little too much information.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something