@gitson_shiggles

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

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@XplodingUnicorn

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

@ericsshadow

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

@GabbbarSingh

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

@MindyFurano

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

@LackOfShame

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

@MedusaOusa

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

@choniepony

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

@kidphonic

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

@JCWisdomNuggets

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.