How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

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The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.


I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.


Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety


my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)


Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions


This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.


Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…


I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!


Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.