How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.