How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
did it work
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.