How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
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Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]