How dramatic are you?
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Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.