How dude HOW?!
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Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I triple waxed for this?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
how was your vacation
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.