Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.