@LizHackett

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

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@ItsAndyRyan

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

@SaraESpivey

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

@LlamaInaTux

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

@heyitsJudeD

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

@capnmcfword

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

@scott_tobias

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

@gabbazaba

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

@kimt205

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.