How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.