How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Holy shit he’s back
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
i want to work in this restaurant
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.