@Xalqee

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

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@ozzyunc

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

@OlanDevine

Appendi
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Appendix

@legendofchelda

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

@dmc1138

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

@OlanDevine

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

@momsense_ensues

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

@Marlebean

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

@offbeatoliv

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

@nyquills

[Running out of gas in the desert]

Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.

Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.

Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.

@bridger_w

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”