How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
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[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.