“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
You Might Also Like
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”