How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
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Why is this me 😫
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I only eat vegetarians.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.