How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
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What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.