How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.