How high do the levels go?
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.