how high up are we talkin’?
You Might Also Like
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.