How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Sheep