How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
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It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
So sick of all these stupid rules
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate