HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
A leaf blower, but for people.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…