How I like cutting carbs
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[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.