how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
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I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
An odd boast
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.