How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Don’t frighten the programmers!
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.