How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
You Might Also Like
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Name this drama.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.