how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
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When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
He’s dead
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry