how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
You Might Also Like
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Traveler’s camo
Breaking news:
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
sir, my pâté if you please
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”