How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans