How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
fourth time’s the charm
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender