How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.