How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
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Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Lassie, get help!
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me